I put a survey up on my Instagram stories a little while back asking people to answer a few questions. I wanted to get a gauge on what question marks are floating around the Church today. I wanted to know where the gaps were to see if I could fill any in.
One of the questions that I asked was, “As a woman, what do you wish someone would have spoken about in church regarding womanhood, something you would have wanted to hear from a mother, a sister, etc.?”
The vast majority of the answers had to do with sex and porn.
And here’s the thing. I’m not disappointed in the church for not addressing these things on a more regular basis. I get it. It can be uncomfortable. There are also so many opinions out there when it comes to Christianity and sexuality that it can feel incredibly vulnerable to put your personal opinion out there for the world to see.
But if you know me, you know that I’m not afraid to go there. I am more than happy to open this up and jump right in.
I’m going to start this off by saying that yes, women struggle with porn. Christian women struggle with porn. Why the conversation about porn is still primarily focused on men, I have no clue. But this article is certainly an effort to turn that tide.
Women need representation in this area. When there is no representation, people feel alone, they feel “other”, and it leaves them with fewer resources for their struggle. If we are able to include women in this conversation from now on I think it would help many people.
Having conversations about the real struggles that people deal with in today's world, even the Christian world, makes people feel less alone, and for the Christian, opens up the door for conversation between them and their Creator.
There are plenty of surface reasons as to why “we” (the Church) don’t believe in watching and engaging in pornographic activities. We know the studies of porn addiction, the way it affects our brain on a neurochemical level, the way that it skews our expectations for ourselves and our partners/future partners, etc. We also know that many of the participants in pornography are there because of coercion, force, and abuse, etc. All of which we, as the Church, are outwardly against and should never stand for.
I also personally believe that when we engage in anything that is out of the perfect order of the way God created us to exist, it opens doors in the spirit that pulls us away from intimacy with God.
Outside of intimacy/deep closeness with God, we are vulnerable to the seduction of the enemy. That might sound really intense, but I believe that when we are out of balance with the way we are meant to exist, we lay vulnerable to other suggestions. Suggestions of addiction, sex outside of marriage, masturbation, intrusive thoughts about the people around you; a fight that you were never meant to face. We must not forget that we face a spiritual battle, and the voice of God is the most powerful tool that we have in that fight. We have to stay sensitive to His leading and His conviction.
When we, in any case, allow our conscience to be seared or numbed out (1 Timothy 4:2), we distance ourselves from the loving conviction of God. This word, "conviction", is obviously associated with a court system, but don't let that scare you. Feeling the conviction of God is not damning you to guilt, but it is inviting you into the light. In Titus 1, Paul is instructing Titus on how to deal with a certain group of people who are creating a negative reputation for themselves, and Paul tells Titus to "rebuke [same word for convict] them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith". The conviction of God is meant to usher you into being sound in your faith, not into shame or guilt.
Lovely one, it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. You are safe in the courts of God. It's where you go to get a spiritual adjustment and walk out feeling taller than when you walked in.
I also believe that watching porn opens the door to spiritual warfare and cunning suggestion with one's perception of the opposite sex or even the same sex. If you have been engaging in porn or masturbation and have been struggling with same-sex attraction, I encourage you to let go of those habits and ask the Holy Spirit to fill you! Don't be afraid. Lean into the conviction of God and let Him restore you. I promise He will!
Saying all of that, I want you to take a moment and ask the Holy Spirit to come and cover you in His love and comfort. Fear is a liar. You have permission to flush any thought that fear gives you right down the toilet.
Say this with me: "Holy Spirit come!"
If you are a Christian woman who is struggling with pornography and wish to be free from its addictive grip, here are a few suggestions that I have for you today.
Get really honest with yourself
Take some time to sit and have a dialogue with yourself about how all of it actually makes you feel. This could literally mean that you talk out loud to yourself, or it can be via journaling.
Go deep. This is not the time to run from the shame, this is the time to look it right in the face and say “I see you, but I need you to get out of the way so that I can figure out how I’m really feeling”.
Get to the root of how it makes you feel and what is it that draws you to it. Chances are, you don't feel too great when/after you watch porn, so pay attention to that and actually listen to your instincts here.
Let Jesus wash your feet
There is a story in the Gospels where Jesus goes around the room and washes each of the disciples’ feet. When Jesus comes to Peter, Peter says to him, “No, you shall never wash my feet.” and Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” (John 13:7-9).
The world “part” here in Greek can be translated to “destiny”. If you do not allow Jesus to wipe you clean, you are cutting yourself off from your destiny in Him. You are letting shame get in the way of you seeing yourself as the pure, perfect daughter that you are. Let Him wash you. Let your Father restore your identity, put a robe on your back, and a ring on your finger.
No matter how it feels, you deserve all of His love.
Find someone to talk to
A hard lesson that I have learned in my own life is that I need people. I have gone through multiple seasons of life where I thought that all I needed was me and Jesus. And I wish it was that simple, but it’s just not. We need people.
People keep us sane, they offer new opinions, and they even have the power to restore us when we need it.
Find someone who knows the grace of God and who is a great listener. Let them into your struggle and see if they would be willing to be a person that you can continue to process this issue with. You can also see if they would be willing to be an accountability buddy. Someone you can shoot a text to when you’re feeling vulnerable and can lend you their strength at that moment.
I also recommend finding a certified counselor to go and talk to and help you find long-term freedom in this area.
If you are a Christian woman who wants to be free of porn, a strong suggestion would be to get rid of the apps, website subscriptions, etc right now. I would even take a few weeks to fast from social media, alcohol, and maybe even friendships that aren't serving you well.
I also want you to hear that your sexuality is not wrong. Having pleasure is not wrong. Your body is not wrong. Believe it or not, your sexuality is pure! God made you to enjoy that part of your life within a loving marriage. I think that it’s important to not let shame tell you that pleasure is wrong. But it's important to get to the root of what is driving you to do the things you do.
Recovery isn't always an overnight process, although miracles do happen! But listen to me, shame will only force you back into the same cycles. So keep having open conversations, keep being honest with yourself, keep talking to Jesus, friends, mentors, etc. Freedom is found in the light!
So stay in the light, my friend. And remember that you are not alone in this. There are many women out there just like you, looking for the same exact answers as you. So don’t let shame tell you who you are, and keep moving forward.
You’ve got this!
Grace